"This is a Book of the Generations of Henry. And Vivian knew his Brain, and He conceived and bore a BBC Radio Show, and said, I have gotten a Beasht for the World. And in the course of time it came to pass that the BBC Radio Show begot a Charisma Recording and the Charisma Recording begot a Charisma Motion Picture and the Charisma Motion Picture begot the Eel Pie Book and the Eel Pie Book begot... yea Lord! Rawlinson End without End."
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But before we visit Sir Henry, let us go back to the beginning for a moment, shall we?
And now, four poems...(Vivian clears throat)...three poems.
Shortly before setting off for Borloine, Sir Hubert Carpet was astonished to find a pair of swimming trunks on his head. 'I say, what a fearful piece of luck', he exclaimed, adjusting his glasses under the thick blue wool, and with a great laugh he threw himself out of the window and on to a passing lorry.
After his second wife passed away, Percy Rawlinson seemed to spend more and more time with his alsation, Al. His friends told him 'Percy - you'll wind up looking like a dog, ha ha'. He was later arrested near a lamppost. At his trial, some months later, he surprised everyone by mistaking a policeman for a postman and tearing his trousers off with his bare teeth. In his defence, he told the court 'It's hard to tell the difference when they take their hats off'.
Pop singer Hugh Nique was pleased to find himself the centre of controversy at a recent bazaar. No sooner had he finished judging the Gracious Grandmother event when he expressed a desire to enter himself in the pie-eating competition. After polishing off fifty one pork and seven steak and kidneys he was violently and some say deliberately sick over several of the spectators. The next day, a photograph of Hugh disgorging appeared on the front page of the Daily Bugle. His single record, 'Macaroni Puke' which lasts for three and a half days, enters the chart this week at number two.
Much as he hated arguments or any kind of unpleasantness, Ron Shirt thought things had gone too far when, returning from a weekend at Clacton, he found that his neighbour had trimmed the hedge dividing their mutual gardens into the shape of a human leg. Beside himself with rage, Ron seized his garden shears and trimmed his white poodle Leo into a coffee table. 'That'll fix things', thought Ron. But he was wrong - the next day his neighbour had his bushy waist-length hair trimmed and permed into a model of the Queen Elizabeth and went sailing. Everywhere he went, people shouted 'Hooray'.
Sometimes you just can't win.
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Crackling Radio Capers, a potted history of Henry
Mustardmag
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